Party Like It's 1999

Well, it's New Year's Eve, and that means you've got two things on the brain right now: dieting and booze. Since it's somewhat difficult to find cakes celebrating diets (which is really a shame; I'm holding out for the "all cakey carbs" diet) let me see what kind of alcohol-themed stuff I can dig up for you.

Ok, here's a dreaded CCC (cupcake cake) for the martini lover: definitely shaken, not stirred.

Uh, this looks more like a bottle of hair tonic than alcohol. (Not that I've ever *seen* a bottle of hair tonic, of course; I just imagine it would look like this.) Sorry, I'll keep looking.

Hm. Well, John and I are still debating just what the heck this is, but I think it might be an exploding champagne bottle. (John sees one of those holiday crackers that you pull open.) The one thing we both agree on is that it's butt-ugly. [evil grin]

Moving on...

Very, uh, "creative". Can you picture the conversation that led to this cake order?

"We need a cake for Bob."
"Ok, what does he like?"
"Beer."

I have a friend who used to drink orange juice with his chocolate cake, but I'm pretty sure even he would agree that drinking beer with cake is just wrong. Blech.

And while we're on the subject, let me wrap up with a little PSA: folks, tonight when you're out partying, please think of others. Please, don't drink and decorate. Don't let this happen to you or someone you love:

[shaking head sadly] Granted, it was considerate of the wreckerator to provide little bottles of "blur vision"for those unfortunate souls who will have to EAT the cake, but that hardly excuses the drunken airbrush weaving, the gold and purple shoelaces, or the [closing eyes] margarita candles. Not to mention the mystery foam, construction-paper lettering, or bizarre green-striped chocolate "ladies". Yikes. So remember: this New Year don't get mad, get C.L.A.D.D. (Cake Lovers Against Drunk Decorating).

By the by, I verified that this was indeed listed on a "professional" bakery's website. A website which, oddly enough, is no longer operational. Go fig.

Hey Jason T., Lynn B., Corianna L.,Kati B., and Marnie P.: if you didn't come to party, don't bother knockin' on my door.

Kwanzaa Will Not Be Spared

I made an exception before to include a Sandra Lee creation here on Wrecks, and I'm afraid I have to do so again. How could I not share this bit of holiday cheer with you all?

Yes, those are corn nuts on the edges, although Lee calls them "acorns". There's also canned apple pie filling, cinnamon chocolate icing, pumpkin seeds, and of course the giant taper candles. Here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy (which offers it as a poster or on t-shirts) in case you didn't catch all that:
If you want to watch Sandra work her magic you'll find the official video (with commercials) here, or watch a low-quality Youtube version here.

But wait, there's more! While I was digging around looking for more Kwanzaa Wreckage online (note: there is none) I uncovered a hilarious photo-documentary by Flickr user Kitty LaRoux of her and a friend (aided by an indeterminate amount of bourbon) attempting to recreate the cake. (Her blog post on it is hilarious, too.) The official recipe online includes popcorn in addition to the corn nuts and pumpkin seeds, so the end result - sans candles - ends up looking something like this:

The title of this photo is "We have to eat it?", and the reaction shot after she tries it is pretty priceless. I'm guessing it tastes as bad as it looks, Kitty?

Now, before you guys start complaining that this is not technically a Wreck, let me just say I can only work with what I'm given, alright? I haven't found ANY other Kwanzaa wreckage out there. In fact, I'm starting to think that this African festival of First Fruits is somehow anti-cake; that, or they're being made extremely well and kept in strict seclusion. Here's hoping that next year wreckerators will step it up. ;)

Play 'Em Off, Drummer Boy

Preeeeesenting a sweet moment between Mr. & Mrs. Claus!

Oh, ick! What is going ON here? Hey, Drummer Boy! Could you play them off, please?

Uh. You're not the Drummer Boy.

"Nope. Sorry. But look! I'm on SALE! And if you like, I can play a little ditty on this here carrot-kazoo of a nose."

Yeeeah. Thanks, but no. Ok, let's move on to Santa's right-hand reindeer...

Jumping poo-streaked gingerbread, what is THIS? Drummer Boy, seriously, get in here and play this guy off.

[frantic whispering]

What? A substitute? Well, I guess, if that's all you've got...


What the...seriously? I ask for the little drummer boy, and you give me a "LiltLe Drum Set"? And how are two crossed matchsticks a drum set anyway?

[shaking head in disgust] Ug. Well, we have one more entry today...

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Yes, my friends, I'm afraid Zwarte Piet has reared his ugly, ugly head again this year. However, I think I've more than said my piece on him, so...

Drummer Boy? Are you finally ready? Oh, good. Please, proceed.

YeeAAAAaaaah! Haha! Embrace the irony.

If this post made no sense to you whatsoever, you might want to take a look at this. (Be aware some of the clips in that vid contain unfortunate accidents.) And if that still doesn't help, then I owe John five bucks.

Thanks to David G., Sara K., Adriana B., Kim R., Malorie M., & Sondra D., for snaring these awesome Wrecks.

Yule Wonder

If you're like me, you may have seen cakes in your local bwreckery (<- New word! Booya!) that look a lot like logs. Yule logs, to be exact. And if you're like me, you may ask yourself, "Why do I always get the cart with the wonky wheel?" Which is a mystery. But you might also ask yourself, "Self, what is a Yule Log?" To which your Self might answer, "42" - at which point you should make a mental note to adjust any prescription meds you might be taking.

But, I digress.

Where was I?

Right. Yule logs!

Here comes one now:

I promised Jen this wouldn't be a knotty post! Ha! See, Jen? I can pun with the best of 'em.

Look! It's Santa riding a log!
Oh, that sort of sounds suggestive. Uh. Never mind.

Okay. Well how 'bout some other Yuley goodies?

Ahh. Das Yule Boot™.

The Yule Shotgun™©.

The Yule Corn-Nut Turd™©®Esq. MD. III.

And finally...The Last One.

'Nuff said.

So there you have it. The Majestic Yule Log. All warm and fuzzy? Good, good.

Thanks to Carrie F., Melissa B., Jenichan, Anna L., Shannon K., and Jessica S., who I'm sure know what the phrase "dropped a log" means, even if Jen doesn't.

Note: Yes, yes, we know what a Yule Log is. It's the First Fruits tree branch that was carved into a Menorah and given to the Baby Jesus at Winter Solstice. And I'm pretty sure there were Pilgrims involved too.

- Related Wreckage:

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It's the last day in our charity countdown! Woohoo! So today, what with it being Christmas Eve and all, we thought we'd end with a charity that helps promote the wonder of the season year-round for kids who need it most: Give Kids the World.

This organization provides children with life-threatening illnesses and their families truly magical experiences at the Give Kids The World Village, a 70-acre Orlando resort specifically designed for children with special needs. (This place is amazing, too - check out some of the photos!)

Click here to donate your dollar via our First Giving Campaign page.

Totally Cheating

In yet another blow to true cake artists everywhere, many large chain bakeries are now "decorating" cakes almost exclusively with plastic flotsam. In theory, this means the "decorators" require even less skill, and therefore will wreck less cakes. That's the theory, anyway.

Well, Kelinda S., I guess we can't complain too much here: so long as the decorators don't put the feet on backwards, there's really not much they could do to wreck this design up.

Wait, did I say put the feet on backwards?

Ok, so these designs are still wreckable, as Jen S. discovered with Thunder Thighs Santa here. Though to be fair, maybe the decorator's thumbs DO face that way - that might explain a lot, actually...*

Some of these plastic cheats are deceptive. For example, at first glance Lyndsay W.'s find looks like a really well-made Santa suicide scene:

(Yes, of course Santa bleeds sprinkles. Duh.) However, that head is actually plastic. It's even kind of cute, compared with the nightmarish clown-head-picks all us Wilton vets know so well.

Of course, other plastic cheats can be just a smidge more obvious, as Amy D. discovered:

Attention Bakery Managers: you may want to post some instruction photos for these cheat kits. You know, to avoid the whole upside-down-nose-and-mustache thing.

What, you can't tell it's upside down? Here, I'll show you:

See? Santa went from sad & droopy to only mildly consternated. Much better. Also, if this Wreck isn't proof that wreckerators are addicted to their airbrushes, I don't know what is. I mean, it looks like someone attacked Santa with a machete! Two words, guys: "Inter" and "Vention". [earnest head nodding]

As someone who enjoys wrapping gifts so much that I actually *d0* wrap empty boxes just for funsies, I find this next one from Brian D. especially horrifying:

That's REAL non-matching ribbon on the lumpy green square thing edged with ketchup ooze on the round cake board. And did I mention the ribbons don't match? [shudder]

But then, Brian M. reminds us that in this season of extravagance it's often the little things that can bring the most joy:

Even better: the package next to this one also has the "oh oh oh"s. Score!!!


* Ok, yes, I suppose your thumbs would be on the outside if you bend your arms at the elbow. And yes, it took me about 45 seconds of thumb twisting experimentation to figure that out. :)

The Spirit Didn't Just Move; It Threw Up

You know that neighbor - the one whose house is currently covered in a full Big Lots' worth of blinking lights, inflatable snowmen, plastic nativity scenes, candy cane fence posts, and Santa-hat-wearing flamingos? Yeah, that one.

Turns out, s/he is also in the cake business.

Oh no you don't - no scrolling down just yet! This, my friends, is a cake worth savoring.

Why don't you call a friend over, click on the photo to enlarge it, and then take a few moments to count how many pieces of plastic there are? Next you can debate whether "Christmas" is two different colors to call attention to "Christ" or because someone ran out of red icing. Then, just for funsies, estimate how many bottles of sprinkles were poured on to make that thick crunchy coating.

Frankly, we could be here all day.


Ok, fully savored? Good.

Now, imagine being a business person, and one looking to expand that business. Would you - hypothetically speaking - think the above cake would be an effective marketing tool?

Why do I ask? Uh...well...

I know the mad sprinkle action makes it hard to tell, but that red paper is actually a business card - and of a wedding planner.

Yes, a wedding planner.

Who wants you to hire him.

To plan your wedding.

Is your friend still there? Good. Next time killer: imagine a wedding thematically congruent with that cake. Maybe draw a few pictures. Then send them to me - cuz THIS I gotta see.


To be honest, A. Nony, I'm a little jealous: this would've been a brilliant way for me to send my own holiday greetings out.

- Related Wreckage: Ye Olde Yuletide Ax


UPDATE: Well, I can't say I didn't ask for this. Heheh.

Marian Murdoch (who is a rockin' photographer, btw) cracked me up with the little bridge & Santa/officiator, but the best part is that shocked snowman. You can almost hear him saying, "OMG, Mary? Is that you?!?"

Then we have Fanboy Wife's creation:

Oh yes, it's all there - right down to the bonus-points-scoring red rickrack up the side of the bride's dress. That kind of attention to detail is what really sets you Wreckerators apart!

Another Update: Ok, one more, from 15-year-old Kelsie:


Love the children's choir. ;)

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Today's charity, Habitat for Humanity, builds houses for those in need. Donations go towards building materials, and volunteers help partner families build. The homes are sold to these families at no profit, so that the mortgage payments can be used to build still more Habitat houses around the world. Nifty, no?

Click here to donate your dollar via our First Giving Campaign Page, or go the extra mile and help build a house near you.

Whirled Peas

For a cake promoting peace, this one sure is an assault on the eyes:


That pea-soup-green and grayish-blue color combo is causing a lot of upset in my GI region, too. In fact, looking at this cake is making me feel anything but peaceful. It makes me feel like maybe these color-blind wreckerators should be stopped, you know? Like maybe we should do something about it! What do you say, Heather E.? Are you with me?!?

Ok, here's what we'll do: we'll form a website, see? And then we'll post pictures of all the really bad cakes, yeah? And then we'll mercilessly mock the cakes until the wreckerators are forced to change their evil ways! It's BRILLIANT!!

Oh, wait....

Dino-Mite!

I must admit, I've been dreaming of the day when I could name a Cake Wreck "Cake Rex" for a looong time now. Heck, we're talking prime potential-mascot material here, folks! So will today be the day? Will it?

Well, let's see:

Uh, this looks like someone was going for a dinosaur-skin rug, but forgot to skin the dino first. He's kind of straddling the lines between alligator, lizard, and dinosaur, too. And what's going on with the back end?

Yikes! Are we sure there's actually a cupcake in there, Ian T.?

Next there's Jacqueline S.'s Nessie:

Actually, since there's two of them, maybe it should be Nestor & Nessie. Looove the shoestring necks and Nessie's pig snout, but those candles are just cruel. Not sure I want to get into the debate over whether the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur, either. Next!

Hey, look: someone decorated a block of floral foam with an "after-the-meteor-hit" vignette! The petrified dinosaur skeletons and the still-burning remains of the local vegetation are spot-on. We may not know the occasion, Gwen F., but at least Greg - whoever he is - is being greeted really enthusiastically. (Which is kind of ironic, given the whole death-and-destruction theme.)

So anyway, those are the remains of dinosaurs - do we have any with their skin still on?

What the heck... is that someone's small intestine draped over the side?!? And how much of that is actually cake, Shani H.? It looks like solid plastic.

Um, I don't think this is worthy of being called Cake Rex, either, but get a load of the itty bitty dino-arms sticking out next to the head. Kinda reminds me of my all-time favorite Dinosaur clip:



I've watched that about 8 times in a row now, and that arm-waving action still cracks me up.

Well, that concludes today's search for the ultimate Cake Rex. I'll just keep looking, then, shall I?

Chappy Chanukah

Carly e-mailed yesterday to chastise my current completely-Christmas collection of carnage. She asked that I share some equal-opportunity Wreckage for my Jewish homies to "enjoy."

Now, I can only work with what I'm given, so please don't take my excessive postings of Santa and Frosty and Poo-dolph as any kind of religious bias. Believe me, I will snicker equally at Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and even Winter Solstice Wreckage if given the chance.

Trouble is, those holidays just don't score many cakes. Still, let's see what we've got in the ol' Wrecks files, shall we?

[shuffle shuffle shuffle]

Ok, here's something: how about a little clashing blue icing, plastic flotsam, and an "ak"?:

I would make a crack about the KKK hiding out in "Hanukkak," but I think that might be construed as bad taste.

Still, could be worse, right? Can you imagine what would happen if a Wreckerator tried to draw the menorah or Star of David or dreidel?

Nah, me neither. But that's ok: I have examples. Heehee!

Here we have some (Ninja) Stars of David:

Yep, that's the trouble with tracing. Still, if you think of this as a Jewish Ninja's celebration cake, then it's actually pretty darn cool. (See, they're off to the side because they're in motion. Eh?)
(And yes, I double-checked: it's professional.)

Unfortunately I couldn't find a good dreidel Wreck - but I think this "Menorah" more than makes up for it:

Time to light the alien ribcage!

So to all my Jewish readers: Happy Hanukkah! Please send more Wrecks.

And in the meantime, I think people of all nations and beliefs can come together, get along, and enjoy spectacles like this:

"Who's laughing now, fat boy?!?"

Speaking of ninjas, Seisen, Jennifer, Beth C., & Jenna W., have you seen the ninja nursery John & I painted for our friends? Granted, it has nothing to do with cakes, but I get the feeling this is the right demographic for that sort of thing.

- Related Wreckage: Goy Gaffes

Merry Misfits

Unfortunately, these guys tend to get passed over come pageant time.

First there's Ginger, the deranged, dandruff-riddled cookie:

Sure she's a bit flaky, but be careful; Ginger snaps.

Then there's Harry, the five o'clock shadow elf:

As you can see, Harry likes to make a pig of himself.

Poopsie & Flopsie always know how to bring the holiday cheer:

Yep. Once they leave, everyone is MUCH more cheerful.

Humpty here likes to talk with his hands:

I would translate, but there are children present.

Then there's Tiny:

I tried to warn Tiny about cutting in front of that shaman, but would he listen? Noooo.

[singing] But do you recaaall...

The most famous misfit of all?

Yes, it's...

Poo-Dolph, the Bulldozed, Slain Deer!

Jessica S., Kim C., Erin F., Mike Y., & Anony M., I totally need Poo-Dolph on a t-shirt.

- Related Wreckage: The Haunted Holidays

In Which Happy Tanks SHOULD Be Given, But Are Not

My dear Wreckies, there are so many ways I could wish you a happy Thanksgiving today.

I could forget how it's spelled:

Tranksgiven? Hanksgiven?
Well, thank goodness for the poo tornado; how else would we know what the occasion is?

Sprinkles: they fix everything.

If you work in communications, I could get you a poo turkey and misspell your department name:

Isn't it ironic?

I could put a military spin on things:

I won't lie to you: I'm quite disappointed with the distinctly un-tank-like strawberries here.

I could try to avoid the spelling hazards in "thanksgiving" by skipping the word all together:

Although I suspect this isn't so much a lack of spelling ability as a general stinginess with letters; notice we only get a single "greeting."

I could remind you of the dangers of overeating:

"No, turkey, don't do it! You're beautiful just the way you are!"

Oh! Or here's an idea: I could avoid actual decorating all together, and use a mound of Dollar Store flotsam chucked in your cake's general direction to convey the appropriate sentiment:

The sentiment being "May you choke on a tiny plastic pilgrim," of course.

Or, I could simply assault you with a visage of such horror that nightmares of it may well plague you for the rest of your natural-born life:

[nodding] Yeah, I think I'll go with that. Seems the most memorable.

Theresa, Michelle H., Becky O., Denise M., Mike A., Chris O., & Vicky J., fingers crossed that you each get a "happy tank" today.


- Related Wreckage: Teasers for the Coming Seasons

Note- For those of you pointing it out, yes we do know that Autumn is misspelled. That's kind of the point.