Spelling Airs

We all know that nearly all cake decorators misspell "congratulations" every day.

(Um, John? I don't think...)

This is obviously because they're either drunk or completely incompetent.

(Okay now, we're totally gonna get in trouble for that...)

Now you might be saying, "I thought all drunk and completely incompetent people were politicians?"

(Well, that's true.)

But you would be wrong!

(I would?)

Which brings us back to cake.

(Oh, good.)


See? Comgratation. Interestingly enough, there are close to 3,000 accepted spellings of "congradulationed" in the decorators' dictionary.

Occasionally, though, they do spell it goodly:

Like so. Of course, sometimes after successfully spelling a word the thrill goes to the baker's head. Thusly we get "Ternifer" - a hybrid creation of "Terrific" and the name of the person who ordered the cake, perhaps?

Here again the decorator got the "hard" word right:

Sure, the number's a bit, well, wrong...but hey, numbers are hard!


Wisites: n. [wi-SET-eez] Small, fuzzy mammals indigenous to Uganda prized for their venom, which is said to cure gout and certain types of restless leg syndrome.

See? No misspellings here!

Well, y'all have a grrr-reat day now. Oh, and decorators? Bottoms up!

Jessica E., Christy C., Dana S., & Jessica, watch out; I hear those wisites spit.


- Related Wreckage: The "Year" of the "Grad"

Grandpa's Order

"Sweetie, I get the feeling your father has been a little impatient for us to have a boy."
"Why do you say that, hon?"
"Oh, you know, all the baseball equipment for the girls' birthdays..."
"They loved those!"
"And the football helmets..."
"Once we painted the tiaras on they wore them all day."
"And you know earlier, when we told him we were having a boy this time? I'm sure that back flip couldn't have been good for his arthritis."
"Oh, he was just being cute, is all. I'm sure the thought of us having a boy is no more exciting for him than the thought of our having another girl."
"Riiight. Have you seen the cake?"
"He bought a cake?"

[silence]
"Er. Does he think we're naming the baby Finaly?"
"That's supposed to say "finally", dear."
"Oooooh."
[more silence]
"So, do you want to tell him we were joking, or shall I?"


Amy W., I'd wait 'til after the cake was served.

Goy Gaffes

(Ok, so the assumption that these were NOT made by Jews is a leap, I know, but can't a girl hope?)

"A Star is (Not) Born"

Yes, technically a Star of David is two triangles intersecting, Bugsy - but not like this. And I think you can lay off the "poiple" icing now, too.

"The Teal Tornado"

As you can see, this traditionally-colored flaming whirlwind knocked the wording about and blew the second 'k' clean off. Of course, if for the sake of argument we called this a "menorah", then it's also missing a candle. The fact that the "candles" look like Christmas trees is just the icing on the, er, cookie. Mazel Tov!

And last but not least,

"The Religiously Confused"

How much you wanna bet this bakery has a bin of "Christmas Stars" in the back?


Thanks to Ebony W., Shanna M. and Frank R.!

Make Today Marry

Marry who, you ask?

Why, marry Christmas, of course!


And going by this next cake, I'm guessing "Christmas" is a small plush snowman:

Although that giant smear of icing does make you wonder what it *used* to say.

Here they got "Merry" right, but....

(Correction: I meant to say "however." So stop looking at me like that.)

Here's an interesting one:

"Alue"?

[blink blink]

Yeah, I got nuthin'.

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know how important it is to get those writing and grammar skills ingrained at a young age.

Like so.

Now, it IS Christmas, so I'm afraid the big guy has to make an appearance:

And I am so, so sorry.

He does come bearing greetings, however.

Although if you misspell "Christmas," then he's going to go all stony faced.

Still, I can't think of a better harbinger of Christmas cheer than a really, really constipated Santa:

Dude. Nick, seriously, try a little coffee or something. I think you're about to put the "pop" in "apoplexy."

Well, happy Christmas, my dear Wreckies! Oh, and Krystle M., Michelle I., Jane K., Travis P., Sarah, Merideth S., Nils T., & Lisa H., also don't forget the importance of proper fiber intake. Just sayin'.

- Related Wreckage: In So Many Words

In So Many Words...

Today's Wrecks speak for themselves. Or at least attempt to.

I find myself wishing this said "holladay", just so I could work in a lame Gwen Stefani reference. But since I'm just a girl (in the world), I guess I'll leave that up to you guys.



Now that's a stingy well-wisher.



What's worse: making this cake, or serving it to all your employees at the company Christmas party?


Ignorance can be beautiful. Unless of course this snowman is named "Happe", and belongs to someone named "Holidey".



"Mercy" is right; get a load of what Rudolf is holding!

[singing] "I'll have a POO Christmas, without youuuu..."



"Let it is snow"?


Careful; buying this cookie "cake" may enter you into a binding legal contract.

And lastly, an oddly emphatic proposal:


Christnos, you sly dog, you, I bet you get this cake for all the girls. [wink]

In case these failed to get the message across: Merry Christmas, all. May your day be sweet and utterly wreck-less .


Many thanks to holiday Wreckporters Jenn S., Irene D., Bergen W., Todd T., Abby, Jennifer L., Jessica C., and Angela M.!

Totally Cheating

In yet another blow to true cake artists everywhere, many large chain bakeries are now "decorating" cakes almost exclusively with plastic flotsam. In theory, this means the "decorators" require even less skill, and therefore will wreck less cakes. That's the theory, anyway.

Well, Kelinda S., I guess we can't complain too much here: so long as the decorators don't put the feet on backwards, there's really not much they could do to wreck this design up.

Wait, did I say put the feet on backwards?

Ok, so these designs are still wreckable, as Jen S. discovered with Thunder Thighs Santa here. Though to be fair, maybe the decorator's thumbs DO face that way - that might explain a lot, actually...*

Some of these plastic cheats are deceptive. For example, at first glance Lyndsay W.'s find looks like a really well-made Santa suicide scene:

(Yes, of course Santa bleeds sprinkles. Duh.) However, that head is actually plastic. It's even kind of cute, compared with the nightmarish clown-head-picks all us Wilton vets know so well.

Of course, other plastic cheats can be just a smidge more obvious, as Amy D. discovered:

Attention Bakery Managers: you may want to post some instruction photos for these cheat kits. You know, to avoid the whole upside-down-nose-and-mustache thing.

What, you can't tell it's upside down? Here, I'll show you:

See? Santa went from sad & droopy to only mildly consternated. Much better. Also, if this Wreck isn't proof that wreckerators are addicted to their airbrushes, I don't know what is. I mean, it looks like someone attacked Santa with a machete! Two words, guys: "Inter" and "Vention". [earnest head nodding]

As someone who enjoys wrapping gifts so much that I actually *d0* wrap empty boxes just for funsies, I find this next one from Brian D. especially horrifying:

That's REAL non-matching ribbon on the lumpy green square thing edged with ketchup ooze on the round cake board. And did I mention the ribbons don't match? [shudder]

But then, Brian M. reminds us that in this season of extravagance it's often the little things that can bring the most joy:

Even better: the package next to this one also has the "oh oh oh"s. Score!!!


* Ok, yes, I suppose your thumbs would be on the outside if you bend your arms at the elbow. And yes, it took me about 45 seconds of thumb twisting experimentation to figure that out. :)

Seasoning's Greetings

There are plenty of reasons why you might not want to wish someone a merry Christmas.

Maybe you're trying to be more inclusive of the cooking community:


Or you're celebrating the oft-overlooked "Hally Days":


Or perhaps you want all of their various "hollidays" to be happy:


Or maybe - just maybe - you're trying to get your friend Roxanna a goodbye cake but all the bakery has on hand are stock Merry Christmas designs so you're forced to make do with one of those and then hope the Wreckerator on duty doesn't screw up your instructions too badly.

But that's just a guess.

Annie J., Kat I., April B., & Kimberly I., I think it's high time we all agreed that "Winter, underlined" really is the best greeting of the season - don't you?

- Related Wreckage: In Which Happy Tanks SHOULD Be Given, But Are Not

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But Where are the Blue Birds?

So Dawn W. was throwing a Wizard of Oz cast party, and she knew better than to order anything as complicated as a Yellow Brick Road cake. So instead, she simply asked for a cake with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on it.

Now, if you've read this blog for any time at all, then you're probably expecting the same thing I was - an inscription that looks like this:

"Some Wear"
The Rainbow

I'm pleased to report that's NOT what happened. No, Dawn received something far more...colorful.


At first I thought the decorator was just being clever, but then I noticed the "Somewheres". Yeah. Well, there went that theory.

In Which Happy Tanks SHOULD Be Given, But Are Not

My dear Wreckies, there are so many ways I could wish you a happy Thanksgiving today.

I could forget how it's spelled:

Tranksgiven? Hanksgiven?
Well, thank goodness for the poo tornado; how else would we know what the occasion is?

Sprinkles: they fix everything.

If you work in communications, I could get you a poo turkey and misspell your department name:

Isn't it ironic?

I could put a military spin on things:

I won't lie to you: I'm quite disappointed with the distinctly un-tank-like strawberries here.

I could try to avoid the spelling hazards in "thanksgiving" by skipping the word all together:

Although I suspect this isn't so much a lack of spelling ability as a general stinginess with letters; notice we only get a single "greeting."

I could remind you of the dangers of overeating:

"No, turkey, don't do it! You're beautiful just the way you are!"

Oh! Or here's an idea: I could avoid actual decorating all together, and use a mound of Dollar Store flotsam chucked in your cake's general direction to convey the appropriate sentiment:

The sentiment being "May you choke on a tiny plastic pilgrim," of course.

Or, I could simply assault you with a visage of such horror that nightmares of it may well plague you for the rest of your natural-born life:

[nodding] Yeah, I think I'll go with that. Seems the most memorable.

Theresa, Michelle H., Becky O., Denise M., Mike A., Chris O., & Vicky J., fingers crossed that you each get a "happy tank" today.


- Related Wreckage: Teasers for the Coming Seasons

Note- For those of you pointing it out, yes we do know that Autumn is misspelled. That's kind of the point.

The Amercian Way

It's Veterans Day here in the U.S.: a day we set aside to honor those who have and are serving in our country's military. There are many fabulous ways to do this.

This is not one of them.

Now, I happen to know that a fair number of military personnel read this blog - a fact I find both humbling and just a teensy bit alarming, since I'm not sure those who share my twisted sense of humor should have access to heavy artillery. (Holy Hand Grenade, anyone?) On the other hand, I do so enjoy all the e-mails with the giant "DECLASSIFIED" stamps on them - and I'm pretty sure my coolness quotient went up about 1000% when a guy in uniform asked to have his photo taken with me at our last signing in Atlanta. (Hi, Paul!)

So in your honor, my dear veterans, here are some patriotic cake designs that will surely bring a tear to your eyes.

Because nothing says "America" quite like a dead, blank-eyed dog with a flag stuck in his head. [patting heart] Ah, it gets you right here, doesn't it?

The underline is what really sells it.

Of course today is about you, the troops:

And as "Owl Troops" you deserve "Supott."

Because you are all "Hero's."

And so we "honer" you, our "vetr ans."

Kind of like how we honor the flag, the symbol of this great nation:

Stirring.

No wait, I take that back: this Wreck leaves me shaken, not stirred. [ba dum bump!]

So remember, everyone: thanks to our veterans we have the freedom to live in this great country: the United States...

...of Amercia.

Michael H., Holly F., Tara L. Sara Beth, Nikki G., Adria P., & Tory L., I'm sure the CIA had nothing to do with that.

- Related Wreckage: Taking Liberties