Make Today Marry

Marry who, you ask?

Why, marry Christmas, of course!


And going by this next cake, I'm guessing "Christmas" is a small plush snowman:

Although that giant smear of icing does make you wonder what it *used* to say.

Here they got "Merry" right, but....

(Correction: I meant to say "however." So stop looking at me like that.)

Here's an interesting one:

"Alue"?

[blink blink]

Yeah, I got nuthin'.

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know how important it is to get those writing and grammar skills ingrained at a young age.

Like so.

Now, it IS Christmas, so I'm afraid the big guy has to make an appearance:

And I am so, so sorry.

He does come bearing greetings, however.

Although if you misspell "Christmas," then he's going to go all stony faced.

Still, I can't think of a better harbinger of Christmas cheer than a really, really constipated Santa:

Dude. Nick, seriously, try a little coffee or something. I think you're about to put the "pop" in "apoplexy."

Well, happy Christmas, my dear Wreckies! Oh, and Krystle M., Michelle I., Jane K., Travis P., Sarah, Merideth S., Nils T., & Lisa H., also don't forget the importance of proper fiber intake. Just sayin'.

- Related Wreckage: In So Many Words

Yes, Let's!

Baffling inscription?
Check.
Atmospheric pollution?
Check.
"Rotisserie Chicken" label?
Check.
Excess punctuation?
Check, check, check, and check check.

Looks like we're covered, Heather K.!

Seasonal Non Sequiturs

I appreciate that some decorators are trying to think outside the traditional wreath/stocking/tree box, but then again...

For the granddaughter who loves dissecting frogs - formaldehyde frosting optional. (And you know, without the comma "Love Grandma" becomes more of a command. A really creepy one.)


Have a cake left over from Halloween? Meh, just slap a Santa hat on it.*


The head of a flower, the face of a snowman, the body of a slug, and a candy cane for a...belt buckle. (Please, let's just go with belt buckle.) "Let it Snow"? How about "Let it Go" - as in, away. Far, far away.

Brace yourself for this next one:

The mind, it boggles. Is this a frilly white Santa caterpillar, crawling up a red boulder? Or has Santa sampled some Wonka chewing gum (with cherry pie dessert)? The back certainly does nothing to clear up the mystery:

What IS that little bump? A tail?

Even more baffling, the decorator thought this was such a smashing design that s/he made it in miniature as well:

Now the bumps are on the side. What does it mean?!?

Try to picture those "cakes" without the plastic Santa heads for a moment. I'm getting a real "raw meatballs sitting in radioactive waste" vibe - how 'bout you?

Thanks to intrepid Wreckporters Brittney E., Meredith O., Kelly D., & Heather K.!

*I'm told this is actually a Grinch cake. Not sure that alleviates the wreckiness, though.

Sarcasm! Wow, That's ORIGINAL!

John (that's my husband, for you newbies) is an absolute master of sarcasm. This is not a good thing. Half the time even *I* can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not, which has led to more than one tiff around bathing suit season. ("Wow, your butt looks fantastic in that. No, really.")

I think the problem is he's too subtle. If you're going to be sarcastic, and you actually want people to know it, you have to give them some clue. You know, like this:

Is this person really glad you're "here"? No, of course not. Just look at the signs!

1) It's misspelled, thereby signifying "your" not worthy of spell check.

2) There is no exclamation point, since that might betray some small enthusiasm over the prospect of your presence. Can't have that, now, can we?

3) The gratuitous quotation marks positively reek of passive aggression. Visions of jilted dates and stranded little leaguers spring to mind.

All that, with only three little words! This baker is superb.

So, how can you, the consumer, incorporate a little sarcasm into your own cake orders? Here are a few handy tips:

1. Add quotation marks to everything you don't really mean.

"Quotation marks: allowing you to tell lies with a clear conscience since 1945."

2. Omit enthusiastic punctuation.

Just try to read this cake without sounding sarcastic. Yeah. Exactly.

3. Misspell their name. (Especially effective when combined with tip #1 or #2.)

Now this is what I like to call a "sarcasm score!" Present this at the after-game dinner and just watch all those mopey, dejected faces turn into bright red, angry ones in no time at all!


Mary Anne E., Angela M., Sarah C., & Janet R., you guys are absolutely "awesome."

- Related Wreckage: Say What?

Not-So-Passive Aggressive Cakes

You know that feeling you get sometimes, where you think everyone hates you and is secretly plotting your demise? (No? Just me?)

Usually that's called "paranoia." Unless, of course, you're in one of these bakeries:

Then it's called "reading the room."

Betcha never knew someone could give you the finger while wearing a baseball mitt, now, did you?

They're watching. Alllllways waaaatching.

Of course, some decorators can be pretty subtle:

"Why did he have to roam alone? WHY?!?"

While others just let it all hang out:

"Grrrrr..."

At least some places still offer truth in advertising, though:

The lawyers insisted.

Magic Girl, Julie D., Alanna F., Terra B., Rhoni L., & Bonbon, these "cakes" make me think we should be nicer to decorators. They could snap at any moment.

- Related Wreckage: Passive Aggressive Cakes

Say What?

Ah, sweet failures in communication.

Pushy, pushy. You WILL be Miss Charles, hear? Now, love PF Changs! Love them!!

At least it sounds right when you read it aloud. Although you do have to wonder: if you don't know, what makes you think the people eating your cake will?

Some folks just can't resist telling everyone when they're finished with a task. "G-r-e-a-t...J-o-b...there! Done!"

Resistance is futile.

Lindsay J., Tracey B., Amy J., & Anony M., congradulations on are job done.


- Related Wreckage: Jen Pipes Down

The "Year" of the "Grad"

The Grad Wreckage is still pouring in, and here I'm rapidly running out of snappy titles. Drat.

In higher education, time loses all meaning.

See? Even the footstool-wearing stomach-cloud knows "that".

Talk about a repeat-offender: we've got you on 19 counts right here, Wreckerator!

And one more for you "unnecessary" quotation marks fans:

Congrats "class" of "09"?

Looks like someone couldn't take the quotation mark abuse anymore and decided to teach that cake a lesson. It kind of worked, too; it's much harder to notice the quotes now.

And speaking of hard-to-read cakes, there oughta be a law against squiggles that look like words:

Elle? Ollie? Edie? Why does the confetti look like writing, and the diploma scroll look like a Seuss hat? Especially when everyone knows you're supposed to make them look like Swiss Rolls, like this?

(Wreckerators, some day you and I need to have a chat about curly ribbon.)

And you thought your senior prom was awkward.

David R., Anony, Judi I., Jenny T., Kristin L., Sarah F., & Steph H., way to "go"!


- Related Wreckage: And They Say Customer Service is Dead

Father's Day Wrap-Up

Ok, last Dad's Day post, I promise. (But keep in mind that crossing my fingers behind my back nullifies any and all aforementioned promises.)

Yesterday fathers across the globe were given heartfelt messages from their children.
Messages like, "Aren't you glad you put me through college?"

(And if ever there was an icing color that should be banned, "radioactive vomit green" should be it.)

And, "Penmanship isn't everything."

(I saw "Doty" for a solid 30 seconds before realizing that's a wonky capital "A".)

Or, "Are you getting enough fiber?"

Eww.

Then there are the less complimentary messages, though I'm sure they were just as heartfelt. Really.

Like, "You dress like a clown. And not even a funny one."


Or, "I can't even bring myself to call you 'Dad'."


I think this one is "Squint your eyes and it could almost be golf-related, Grandpa."

(Get it? "Grandpa?" 'Cuz it says "Father's Dad"?
Ah, you're no fun at all.)

I guess a lot of people were hoping for "happy father dads":


And finally there's the classic backhanded compliment: "You're #1...

"...at beating orange bunnies with a baseball bat.*"

Vanessa B., Shylah E., Jujyfruit, Amanda L., Mary F., Lauren C., & Bekka T., I hear that's the most sportsmanlike way to go.


* Yes, I know it's supposed to be a fish. So don't go pulling a "Spaceship Earth" on me, hear?

Keep It Stupid, Stupid

When April W.'s mom ordered a Father's Day cake last year, the clerk seemed to think that a name should go on the cake as well. Since there was more than one Dad in the house, though, April's mom insisted that the cake only say Happy Father's Day.

Or maybe her exact words were "Father's Day Only" - it's kind of hard to say...



I realize this is going to seem nit-picky, but I really want to know why the "t" is the only letter not capitalized. Seriously. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

There are perils in the world of random capitalization, though:

See? In addition to being ugly as original sin, this CCC [pthoo!] looks like it says "Worid's Best Dad". Not good.

A simpler way of expressing Dad's superiority might be the ol' standby: "#1 Dad", or "Dad is #1". So let's see how the modern Wreckerator is able to screw even those up, shall we?

[sigh]

Yoda strikes again?

Ok, obviously these inscriptions are just too long and complicated. So let's cut out all the extraneous stuff and get right to the heart of the matter:

Perfect.

Justin F., Kristina B., Mike H., & Erin H., Wreckporters!


- Related Wreckage: Dial-A-Wreck